The "Guru of News" Interview

Nathan Tran, our senior field reporter, sits down with the "Guru of News" for an exclusive interview.

When I first heard the Guru of news would sit down with me I was in awe. In all my years of reporting I could not fathom anything greater than speaking with one of history's all time great voices. I was brought into his sky rise building in the heart of Sacramento by the Guru's team of 6 well dressed people, but rather than traveling up to the top floor of this building, I rode a bullet elevator straight down as if I was falling into hell itself. During the ride I asked why his office is located underground. 

I was swiftly told not to ask any questions, but confusingly right after I was told by another member of the crew that the 90 story building is hollow above ground. Once we hit our stop I was shoved out of the escalator into a huge gray room with fourteen bamboo plants in a circle about 10 feet in diameter. In the center was a beanbag for me and a stereotypical office desk where the Guru sat. I immediately walked over and was motioned to sit by the guru.

Nathan Tran: Hello sir. It is nice to finally meet you. How would you like me to address you?

Guru of News: You may address me as Sir Guru.

Nathan: Well Sir Guru, again thank you for having me here.

Guru: It is your pleasure.

Nathan: Why, yes it is. I was wondering why you have your office located underground and if the building above us is actually hollow. Why make a giant building just for show?

Guru: I need to keep up appearances; but as you know, Gurus may not operate at or above sea level.

Nathan: Fascinating. My first major question to ask is regarding news and how it used to be better. What suspicions do you have as to why news just flat out used to superior to what the people might find today?

Guru: Well that is an easy question. Everything used to be superior, therefore the news followed that trend.

Nathan: Ah of course. Do you think modern society in the United States needs to consider that?

Guru: That is the problem. They never will. Have you ever heard of the declassified operation known as MK Ultra?

Nathan: I am all too familiar, Guru.

Guru: Well it was all made up. That was fabricated by me. You have to be able manipulate people into believing such horrifying and distorting things to ascend in a guruship.

Nathan: We are talking about the same MK Ultra where contestants were being mind controlled by drugs like LSD?

Guru: The very same.

Nathan: You were the mastermind behind the falsification of that story?

Guru: Yes, I did it to protect my people. This is what I have been trying to get you to understand Nathan.  Modern people need to see that news will simply never be as powerful as it used to be.  The Great Depression, Cambodia, the Release of Windows 8, Pearl Harbor. These are all things that can't be repeated, yet the news is trying  to with modern issues. A great example of that is when we crashed those planes into a pair of towers to try and recapture the glory of Pearl Harbor, but we were overall unsuccessful. The only person I have met that shared these similar ideas was a man by the name of Jeffery Epstein. May he rest in peace.

Nathan: Excuse me? Did you just say Jefferey Epstein?

Guru: I do not misspeak.

Nathan: How can you associate with a man like that?

Guru: He did his time in the early 2000s. I hope all can understand that he paid his dues for a simple slip up.

Nathan: Well what about post imprisonment? He was notorious for committing lewd and aggressive sexual acts on unwilling people.

Guru: I do not have a clue to what you are expressing to me. Every single time I visited Little Saint James I was met with open arms by young men and women who treated me willingly and happily. Mr. Epstein and I were pushing the news boundaries to new heights never before considered.  He would open my mind to ideas that common folk could not fathom. He was nothing but astonishing. I know he has passed recently from a self murder. He was tormented from knowledge and I understand why he did it. Sometimes I feel similar.

Nathan: You want to commit suicide?

Guru: Again, you do not listen to my words. I said self murder.

Nathan: What is the difference?

Guru: Here we are coming full circle. A simple modern news man just can not comprehend the proper forward motion of life. I am finished here.

Nathan: Thank you for your time Guru.

Guru: You have been blessed.